My Past Was Holding Me Hostage
I as a youngster heard teachers in Bible classes encouraging students to read our Bibles. They said that God will at times speak directly to us through our Bibles. I didn’t understand it then, but they were right.
Hebrews 4:12 (NKJV) says, “For the word of God [the Bible] is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart”. This verse compares “the word of God” to a sharp sword, which can be used offensively and defensively. This article is about its defensive use.
I must preface my testimony by briefly addressing a Biblical subject that is taken too lightly in this intellectual and high-tech era. Namely, if we believe in the God of the Bible, we must also acknowledge Lucifer or Satan, i.e., the devil [dEVIL], the fallen angel. Note the following reference from an Old Testament prophet, Isaiah, in Isaiah 14:12:
- How you are fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How you are cut down to the ground, you who weakened the nations!
He is a real spirit-being and CANNOT be outsmarted by the highest human IQ. Rather, his strategy is to use our intellects against us. Namely, the dEVIL has caused scientific minds to rationalize his nonexistence by convincing them that our civilization is too intelligent to believe that he exists and that he is nothing more than a mere myth.
Psychology rather than the dEVIL is consequently used to explain murderers, thieves, rapists, other criminals, depression, and some instances of insanity. Therefore, the dEVIL’s uses psychology as a camouflage, which allows him to be more harmful to humanity than the best spy that infiltrates a country’s military or government.
Note the comparability of the following two Biblical references from the Old and New Testaments respectfully:
- Job 1:7, “And the Lord said to Satan, “From where do you come?” So Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking back and forth on it.”
- 1 Peter 5:8, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.”
The references teach that the dEVIL is on the prowl. The one in 1 Peter takes it a step further by disclosing the dEVIL’s objective to devour, i. e., victimize.
Hind-sight proved to me that one of his tactics is to use depression. Satan knows very well what my past is comprised of and that he was the cause of my bad experiences and the influence in much of my decision making process, i. e., yielding to sinful temptations.
Learning and living by Biblical principles now has proven unequivocally that the only way for me to defeat the dEVIL is to vigilantly use “the word of God” [Biblical quotations] to thwart his efforts. Otherwise, he can harm me emotionally to the point of it affecting me physically. Note Jesus’ reply to the dEVIL’s temptations in the book of Matthew 4:1-11:
- Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil.
- And when He had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterward He was hungry.
- Now when the tempter came to Him, he said, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.”
- But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.'”
- Then the devil took Him up into the holy city, set Him on the pinnacle of the temple,
- and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down. For it is written: ‘He shall give His angels charge over you,’ and, ‘In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone.'”
- Jesus said to him, “It is written again, ‘You shall not tempt the Lord your God.'”
- Again, the devil took Him up on an exceedingly high mountain, and showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory.
- And he said to Him, “All these things I will give You if You will fall down and worship me.”
- Then Jesus said to him, “Away with you, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and Him only you shall serve.'”
- Then the devil left Him, and behold, angels came and ministered to Him.
The reference shows how Jesus, the incarnated Jehovah of the New Testament, consistently dealt with Satan’s temptations by quoting from the Scriptures. Thus, Jesus is the example for how we must deal with the dEVIL now.
I’ll take it a step further. Namely, if what Jesus taught doesn’t work, He was/is the biggest lie ever perpetrated on humanity.
I feel pressed to share my testimony about a bout with depression. It made the first clause in Hebrews 4:12 cited at the beginning of this text a reality: “the word of God is living and powerful”.
I must go back years when I listened to, believed, and acted on the dEVIL’s lies that he spoke to my mind. In hindsight, I see that my actions set unforeseen consequences in motion that would eventually blindside me.
For years subsequent to being born-again, I was very orthodox in living by Biblical principles as I was taught by a phenomenal pastor and his assistant. Given that they were older, they were fully aware of what was ahead of us young adults as we became employed in various professions in which we would make numerous acquaintances and possibly a true friend respectively. They, therefore, for our benefit, strategically cited Biblical references that deal with talking.
One reference was 1 Timothy 4:12-13, “Let no one despise your youth, but be an example to the believers in word [conversing with others], in conduct, in love, in spirit, in faith, in purity. Till I come, give attention to reading, to exhortation, to doctrine.”
The setting is Apostle Paul instructing a young man named Timothy how to conduct himself and be an example of what a Christian is. He was also encouraged to study the Scriptures.
Another reference was James 3:2-8. This setting is Apostle James admonishing believers to be aware of how vile the tongue can be. Strict discipline is necessary to control it.
- For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.
- Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body.
- Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires.
- Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!
- And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature [sinful tendencies]; and it is set on fire by hell.
- For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind.
- But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
Another reference I’ll refer to about talking is Matthew 15:17-20. The setting is our Lord, Jesus Christ, focusing on what truly defiles a person: her/his words.
- Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated?
- But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart [psyche], and they defile a man.
- For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.
- These are the things which defile a man, but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile a man.”
Consider this. Virtually any sinful act or crime begins with a conversation. Whether said assertive or the intent is subtlety conveyed, the idea or intent is communicated. Although subtlety would likely take longer for acceptance, the idea could eventually come to fruition. However, the point is that whatever became a reality began with a conversation.
The last reference I’ll refer to about talking is 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived: evil company corrupts good habits.” The setting is Apostle Paul admonishing Christians about having too much engagement with ungodly acquaintances: individuals that do not practice or encourage godly living.
Hindsight makes me realize now that my associating with acquaintances that had no minds to be Christians was the pivotal point for my spiral downward. Although I was very guarded with my language in the beginning of relationships, I gradually became relaxed with my vocabulary as to not be perceived as too religious. I was now on a slippery slope.
Hindsight makes me confess that I was to self-confident. I didn’t believe that conversations with ungodly acquaintances could corrupt me. I consequently fell into a proverbial abyss in which I ricocheted from one kind of experience to another as I acquired new acquaintances on every socioeconomic level.
I ultimately found myself in a psychological and spiritual place that I never dreamt that I would ever be. I had experiences and made decisions that I will never disclose. To escape emotional pain, I decided that I would relocate to Los Angeles, CA, and make my debut as a jazz pianist. I had no doubt about being successful. I began to make preparation for the move.
I was laid-off from my employment but received about 85% of my salary bi-monthly. Thus, I was financially secured with a Plan-B for relocating.
The Omnipotent God turned my plan for moving upside down, which I came to recognize that it was Him that did it. I ultimately went back to serving God with my total being.
Years later things happened that caused me to have flashbacks about my downfall. The flashbacks caused me to recognize that what I was experiencing inevitable consequences of past experiences and bad decisions. They blindsided me like an avalanche. I, therefore, had to face realities that I feared would devastate me at the time and destroy all hopes of a promising future. Thus, despair catapulted me into a chasm of depression.
Despair was to the degree that no dictionary definition defines. It was to the extent that I was becoming progressively dysfunctional in every respect: my Spiritual walk, my personal life, and corporate responsibilities.
I would pray for God to help me. I repeatedly asked Him to forgive me because I began believing that I had not been forgiven. I just wished I could have turned the clock back, but realized the impossibility.
I attended church services regularly. But, what I was feeling was so intense that I couldn’t concentrate on the content of the services.
I was a worship leader, for which the pastor and members of the congregation often complimented me. I would greet them with a smiling face while dying internally.
Given that brief overview, my testimony today is that God used only one verse in the Bible to kill the horrible and debilitating depression. I knew in general terms what despair is but I could have never conceived that it could produce the effects it did on me.
The God Of The Bible Freed Me Instantly
I have a comprehensive Theology application on my computer, which has numerous Bible translations and an abundance of Theological resources. I have consistently upgraded to new versions.
One day I was desperate for references to give me hope in dealing with the despair because I knew I couldn’t continue the downward spiral. But, after searching for some time and finding nothing, my depression worsened during that setting.
I remember that while sitting at the computer I stared hopelessly at the monitor until I lost focus on it. After a while, I was not conscious of the computer or anything else. But, after sitting there for a period of time, something happened. Namely, the Omnipotent God suddenly caused my eyes to focus on a verse that was 10 higher than the one I was reading previously. In a flash, He intuitively gave me an explicit commentary on the verse. It produced an eruption of peace and hope that totally obliterated the despair. The depression was instantaneously and totally gone.
Note the reference, Ephesians 3:8-13 (It’s an excerpt of what Apostle Paul was saying to Christians in Ephesus, Greece):
- To me, who am less than the least of all the saints, this grace was given, that I should preach among the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ,
- and to make all see what is the fellowship of the mystery, which from the beginning of the ages has been hidden in God who created all things through Jesus Christ;
- to the intent that now the manifold wisdom of God might be made known by the church to the principalities and powers in the heavenly places,
- according to the eternal purpose which He accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord,
- in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him.
- Therefore I ask that you do not lose heart at my tribulations for you, which is your glory.
Verse 10 is the one on which God made my eyes focus and gave me an insight. He made me to understand beyond all doubt that He will use born-again believers as an exhibit, as it were, to the principalities and powers that permeate the atmosphere. God’s object would be to show the principalities that their collective forces working against us [subjecting us to bad experiences and making regrettable decisions] could not do more to us than Jesus did for us in His crucifixion and resurrection. God exhibiting us to the principalities and powers makes them know what His manifold wisdom is that He purposed through Jesus Christ’s crucifixion and resurrection that produced our Spiritual-rebirth.
I think it necessary to backtrack and give clarification to “principalities and powers”. They are used in context in the book of Ephesians 6:11-13:
- Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.
- For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.
- Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.
Note that vs. 11 speaks of “the wiles [tricks] of the devil”. In vs. 12, the apostle makes it clear that we are not dealing with tangible forces, but rather spiritual forces. Principalities are domains of sin over which particular demon spirits rule, which opposes basically the 10 commandments. The summation of what the apostle addresses in verse 12 is in the phrase, “spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places”, i. e., they permeate the atmosphere and cause what the Bible refers classifies as sin to flourish.
Continuing with my testimony, when God (the Holy Ghost/Spirit) infused His commentary on Ephesians 3:10 into my psyche I experienced an instant transformation that I am not capable of fully explaining. I just know that the effect was miraculous. That was the instant I truly understood the significance of “the word of God is living and powerful” in Hebrews 4:12 above: its life gave me life. It was used as a defensive weapon against depression. I went from hopelessness to full assurance that my God, my Heavenly FATHER, had truly forgiven me of my sins and therefore would not allow my PAST to control my PRESENT neither dictate my FUTURE regardless to what comprised my past. I know no other way to say it.
What totally surprised me was my awareness of the physical sensation of newness, which cannot be conveyed in words. Without any hype or exaggeration, it was like I had a physical rebirth; like being instantaneously catapulted to a new environment. I immediately noticed that the room looked brighter, the out-of-doors looked brighter, and there was freshness in the air. It was not euphoria, it was real! It took a few moments for me to process the thoughts of truly being FREE! The depression was GONE! HOPE infused my total being.
I can only conclude from hindsight that I was overcome with despair by subconsciously thinking that for the rest of my life I had to bear a cross that was the culmination of my doings of the past. And, that subconscious mindset made me vulnerable to what triggered the depression.
That experience taught me to NEVER say to anyone “get over it” regardless to what the “it” is. The reason is that there are some things we cannot “get over” without Divine intervention, which includes God guiding us to professionals and then guiding them as the work to help us.
Conclusion
An old Indian proverb says, “Don’t judge me until you have walked a mile in my moccasins.” It contributes to me making it a practice not to judge anyone. I don’t know the person’s story; experiences. My objective is to be a servant to humanity and leave judging to God; the Chief Judge in the Supreme Court of Heaven.
My experience of being freed from depression most definitely caused me to thank God for knowing the infallibility of His Word, i. e., the Bible. He is most assuredly the REAL God Who does REAL things for people who are REAL with Him. It’s the Law of the Spirit!